God, this was a long time in coming. And did anyone seriously believe that Obama didn’t personally believe this a long time ago? And why now, why not weeks ago when it could have made (some) difference in the North Carolina Amendment One debacle? Is it a brave thing to do? Yes and no. It would have been braver yesterday and less brave tomorrow. That is the way history is. The President is clearly calculating that we have finally come far enough as a nation that this stance will no longer hinder him. Although I highly doubt anyone strongly opposed to same sex marriage would ever vote for Obama anyway, it could hurt him somewhat. And it could help him, certainly by energizing some on the left. Obama is a cool, calculated thinker, I have to give him that even when I disagree with him. This was a smooth political act with all that implies.
And yet, even knowing all that, I sit here with tears in my eyes. Today the leader of our nation stood up for equality. I have spent the better part of my adult life forging my own path, and a lot of that is related to the fact that I am gay. Would I have felt the wanderlust I did had I been raised in a part of the world or a time that was more accepting? (It is interesting to note that of the several members of my extended family that are gay, none of them live in our home state of Indiana. My family there is as wonderful, progressive and supportive as any family anywhere in the world, but I would not say the same about the state in which they live.) At this point in my life, I truly consider being gay to have been the single biggest gift I was ever given by the universe. It has forged in me a strength and curiosity about life, and a respect and fascination with difference that would never have blossomed in the same way. It has given me a terrible appreciation of the use and abuse of power, and a strong ability to follow my own moral compass. It has not been easy, and there were many times that I felt the petty hatreds and misunderstandings of people living in ignorance and fear. But these things ultimately made me stronger, and hopefully more compassionate towards those with outsider status. And although I have long seen this struggle as a blessing, I yearn for the day when being gay will make as much difference to how someone lives their life as being left-handed or having green eyes. When the choices they will make will be based fully on their own hopes and dreams, and not at all on the irrational bigotry of others. I have seen a lot of movement towards this goal in my own lifetime, and today is another step along that path. Thank you, President Obama.
I got into a slightly heated discussion with a new friend of mine the other day. He is Mexican, and just arrived here with his partner a couple of months ago. They will be living in NYC for the foreseeable future, as his partner got some posh job here. My friend, like me, is freelance and we meet about once a week for lunch. We were talking about comparisons between gay life here and there and he was remarking that he thought people were really uptight here about public displays of affection. Having lived in both cultures, I could see his point on one level (as there were many times I saw young lovers really going at it in the parks in Mexico City). But on another, I never saw gay people doing much PDA in Mexico, it seemed to me to be definitely something reserved for the straights. And even then, it seemed to me this was because so many young people lived with their parents and had no place to go. And on the subject of gay rights, he (rightly) pointed out that Mexico has country-wide marriage rights, something we still lack in the US. And my protestations to the contrary, he honestly believes that culturally, Mexico (and other Latin American countries) are far more accepting of gay people. Again, having lived there and traveled extensively in Latin America, I can only speak to my experience, but let’s just say it ran contrary to his impressions. He noted how much stronger the family unit and connections were in those countries, and that is something that (notwithstanding my own close-knit family) I granted was true. But I asked him if he was out to his family, and he replied that “they knew” about him and his partner, but that he didn’t bring it up or throw it in their faces. To which I replied that for me, equality means living as openly as any straight person, and having my life and relationships treated with the same respect and openness. He replied that he didn’t need that, and he honestly believes that things are better for gay people there. It was striking to me how different were the notions of equality that we each had. And how different our experience of each place was. I have no illusions about the United States, and I divide the country into regions or bubbles of equality. New York is a very different place than Omaha, and my daily experience is of course local, and very much equal on a societal level. I will not rest until we have full legal equality under the law, but I believe that is coming soon (although not soon enough obviously). And further, I am under no illusions that the Republican party will soon turn over a new leaf and let go of their disgusting hatred of us, but I am hopeful that they will have less and less sway over the culture. I think that our biggest point of divergence is over openness, and that is something that I will never relinquish– to me, that is the mark of equality. And that is probably why I think that the most powerful thing anyone can do to advance the cause of equality is to live openly, and refuse to be treated as a second class citizen. Coming out, and living openly is not “throwing anything in anyone’s face”, any more than living an openly heterosexual life is. It is all part of our human condition, and equally deserving of dignity and respect.
This morning I noticed the top headline on the NY Times site was “As ‘Don’t Ask’ Fades, Military Faces Thorny Practical Issues“.
Jesus Christ, give me a break.
Imagine Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell applied to left-handedness (or religion for that matter). How silly would it sound to ask about all the “thorny” issues surrounding integrating the lefty into the troops, whether or not they should have separate barracks, what to do about attacks on them, etc, etc. I am so over all the ridiculous hand-wringing over this. Get over it and act like adults. The military (and other institutions) have rules regarding conduct, and anyone of any orientation (left or right-handed) who breaks these rules should be treated in exactly the same way. That applies as much to “unwanted advances” as to “harassment of minorities”, no matter the person in question. There all all kinds of bullshit reasons people may not like the person next to them, from their skin color to their religion (or lack thereof) to their political affiliation to their taste in movies. I am heartened to note that in the younger generations, there is a notable difference in how sexual orientation is perceived, and by that I mean it is less and less perceived as anything other than one more attribute of the person in front of you, like left handedness (which is an orientation), or religion (which is a choice, btw).
The people all up in arms about this are the same ones who were against racial integration of the troops a generation ago. The arguments are the same craven ones as back then. It will be a nicer world when all the old bigots have moved on to that big segregated plantation in the sky.
Despite the various naysayers, I found the march to be an inspiring and very worthwhile event. A lot of the talk this weekend focused on the differences between the establishment (read HRC, professional lobbyists, etc) parts of the gay movement and the (mostly younger and) grass roots parts of the movement. Personally, I think each has its place and I wish there wasn’t so much bickering between the two. I came to the last march in 2000, and while this one felt a little smaller, I was mightily impressed with the diversity and purpose I felt from the assembled crowd. This was a new generation, demanding the fullest expression of equality ever. This was a generation appalled that there are two sets of rules and adamant about not accepting 2nd class citizenship. And I was impressed by how many straight allies there were, especially young men. Our culture has changed a lot in the last 10 years. We have made amazing progress on a societal level. It is much easier for young people to come out now than ever before. And yet, there are still areas of great inequality, most notably before the law. This is why it is so important to overturn these laws and to finally get to the full legal integration that all of us deserve.
It is around 5:30 in the morning. I am meeting Josh at Penn station in less than an hour to go down to DC to participate in the National Equality March. It was much less expensive taking the train this early in the morning, but wow am I tired. We are very fortunate to be staying with Josh’s other gay cousin (and my cousin by marriage I guess), Stuart, in his well appointed home in DC. A quick check of google maps has revealed the unfortunate detail that it is nowhere near public transportation, alas. Still, who said fighting for our rights should be totally convenient?
See you in DC.
The Delhi High Court has finally struck down section 377 of the penal code which criminalized homosexuality. This is fantastic news for the gay community across India, and the opening to a much greater degree of acceptance. Many of the wonderful people that I met while on my trip there were at the forefront of fighting this hateful law, and my heartfelt congratulations go out to them. It seems that even in the past two years alone there has been a fairly rapid growing of awareness of gay rights in India, with small but growing pride rallies taking place in major cities. As I have written about previously, India is still a country where it is not at all safe to be openly gay, but it is definitely changing and this decision is a major breakthrough in the march towards full equality.
I’ve never been to Fire Island or P-town, but at least I can check this off my list. Last night after dinner with friends in the Village, we stopped by the oldest running gay bar in New York, Julius. Although it has only been a gay bar since the mid 1960′s, it has been running apparently as a tavern/bar since 1867, and it would appear that the decor hasn’t changed much at all since then. It was the famous site of a 1966 “sip-in” by an early gay activist group known as the Mattachine Society, to protest rules preventing serving alcohol to homosexuals. It ended up resulting in a court case which overturned these rules, paving the way in part for the Stonewall riots and modern gay rights movement.
As I mentioned, the place looks like the interior hasn’t changed much since the 1800′s, with wagon wheel chandeliers and musty wood barrels and layers and years of accumulated funk. Think of a cross between a bowling alley, a barn, and a saloon and you are getting warm. It was the very soul of unpretentious and I quite liked it. I couldn’t say this would be any kind of place to meet your future husband (or one night stand either, for that matter), but it is a fine place for hanging out with old friends and reminiscing about the revolution.
Ok, I am feeling much more love for the change.gov website and the Obama administration than I was a week ago. Not only did they revamp and put back the detailed “Agenda” section, they included the issue that I (and others I am sure) wrote to them about, and more. And they stated in clear terms what they support. From the “Civil Rights” page:
Support Full Civil Unions and Federal Rights for LGBT Couples: Barack Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.
After the civil rights letdowns of the election, this is exactly what I wanted to hear. Thank you, Barack Obama, and thank you, transition team!
There were major demonstrations across the country today, in scores of cities protesting the spate of anti gay initiatives (notably prop 8 in California) that are targeting gay people. It would seem a sleeping giant has awakened (at least that is my hope), for I have never seen this breadth of demonstration organized in such short order. Towleroad.com has a report and galleries of pictures from across the country. Although social acceptance is something that can not (and should not) be legislated, equality under the law is long overdue. It is about time we got angry and motivated and took this fight to the public in a much more vocal and visible way. Hooray and thank you to the demonstrators, I wish I had been there with you.
In all the recent uproar over the passing of Prop H8, one of the items that has been central to a lot of accounts is the use of public databases like this one to identify supporters and opponents. As required by law, financial contributions to campaigns are part of the public record. I won’t get into a discussion here of whether I think anonymous speech should be protected, or even whether giving money is the same as voicing one’s opinion about something. But there are a lot of troubling implications to the ease with which these databases are available online.
I have read many stories on the web of people who were identified as donors (to either side) being taken to task for their donations. And in some ways, that is justifiable. Should we not all have the courage of our convictions? If someone is running a business for example with a significant gay clientele, and that person gave money in support of prop 8, does it not make sense for the clientele to have that information so that they can decide if they will continue to patronize this business?
In a pluralistic society, people hiding behind “religious conviction” as a reason to be excused from any responsibility for their actions taking away civil rights is troubling. Is any type of view ok in the name of religion? At what point are there consequences for one’s actions? What if the proposition had taken away interracial marriage? What if the proposition had been to vote to make all people forcibly convert to one religion? What if it had been to outlaw public speaking or right of assembly, but only for a particular group? The important point here is that some rights are not (or should not be) subject to a vote. Some rights are beyond the tyranny of the majority to decide. Marriage is such a right. And because such fundamental rights questions are at stake, people are bound to feel passionately.
And because passions are so (rightfully) high, the ease of use of accessing this and other personal information ups the potential for abuses of all kinds by all sides. In absolutely zero cases is anyone justified in harassment, threats or intimidation towards anyone on any side of this (or any) issue. That said, since major power in this country is expressed in dollars and consumption, people clearly have a right to all the information possible when making choices about their spending habits. In the same way that I don’t want my money going to a company that runs sweat shops or releases toxic chemicals into the environment, I don’t want to spend in an establishment knowing that my money will be used to rescind my civil rights later on.
And let’s face it: Giving money to a cause represents a greater belief in that cause than passively supporting it (especially for those on tight budgets). While it is true that one can be an effective advocate without giving money, people who don’t feel strongly about an issue certainly don’t bother to give money.
So, as an advocate of marriage equality, there are one set of questions dealing with the use of this database relating to finding those who have been opposed to prop 8. But is there not another set, perhaps as troubling when looking at the side one agrees with? For example, I have been badgering people for some time about the proposition, trying to raise as much awareness and money as I could. When I was looking up my contributions, it was just as easy to look up some of the people I had pleaded with. I found myself pleasantly surprised by the generous giving of a person who had told me that he had indeed donated, but not how much. I also found myself to be somewhat disturbed upon finding out that good friends, gay people with a stake in this and who are not exactly hurting financially, who had in fact implied or outright told me they had given money, were completely absent from the database.
The minute I looked up one friend and was disappointed, a voice inside me said “don’t look up anyone else”. But then I did. I looked up three more friends before I stopped myself to ask “Why am I doing this?” I didn’t know exactly, but it was certainly a very simple thing to do. All I had to do was type in part of a name and a state or city or zip. What was I hoping for? That the passion I feel for this particular issue would be matched by others? Looking to point some finger of blame by inaction? Assuage my own feelings of inadequacy in fighting for something so important and losing?
Whatever the reasons, they weren’t (and aren’t) worth much. It isn’t worth knowing and isn’t worth worrying about. Public or private witch-hunts are never very productive. What is productive is to try to be understanding, to reach out and educate and explain, and set a good example. It is important to live honestly, and to engage others with as much compassion and understanding as possible.
If these records were public yet offline, requiring one to go down to some musty county clerk’s office to go through them, we might think twice about consulting them due to the difficulty. Sometimes a little extra effort to get at information might be a very good thing. It would make each of us ask ourselves whether we really cared about the information in the database, enough to take the time and a trip downtown. As it is, the ubiquitous nature of easy internet access takes any deliberation and strain out of the picture. We can have just the most fleeting curiosity and satisfy it in a few easy clicks. But do we really want to know? What happens to the information once we have it? Is it really empowering, or like so many pieces of ugly information more of a burden than not?
I am not advocating that this information not be publicly available on the internet. On balance, I think the public is served better by erring on the side of more information and better access, not less. But I think before accessing this and other types of public record, we would all do well to take a few minutes to understand our own motivations and think about the implications.
