You have to be astounded at the random connectedness of things. Sometimes I think I see almost instant karma at work.
I had a dinner last night with my friend L, down near the Flatrion building. L and I met at a Xmas party and then went on a date or two. We didn’t really click in a romantic way, but got along so well personally that we decided to be friends. Our dinner conversation was pretty wide-ranging and easy, covering topics as diverse as the decline of American culture, recent work, travel, and what our dating lives had been like recently. L mentioned that he had seen me on OK Cupid before and we talked a little bit about that site and what it was like. L told me that he had met someone there and been on a few dates and so far, so good. I mentioned to him that I had also met a guy on the site recently and gone on two or three dates with him, which was a good first sign because I usually don’t get beyond date one. I told L I didn’t know if it would lead to anything, but my philosophy has always been that there is no such thing as a bad date, because everyone has something interesting about them. I mean it, I feel like you really can’t lose. Even if the date is terrible, you have a funny story to tell later. People get so hung up on the “end game” (marriage or whatever), that they fail to experience the “now” of the date itself. Although ultimately, sure, I would like to meet someone serious, I can really enjoy the date itself outside of a greater context.
We then moved on to discussing signs of the apocalypse or the excesses of capitalism or something like that, and among other items I mentioned the ridiculousness of things like the American Girl franchise (Modern Family recently did an amazing send up). L perked up and said,
“What a funny coincidence you mention that, the guy I am seeing works there as a visual merchandiser. We have a date tomorrow night in fact.”
My jaw dropped. The guy that I had been going on dates with also worked there. I asked L his name and sure enough, it matched. And to really kick things in the rear, I realized something kinda shitty, and said,
“Wait a minute, and you have a date with him, TOMORROW NIGHT? We had a date for tomorrow night as well, but he sent me a text yesterday telling me that he had to cancel because — and I quote — ‘something came up and I have to address it’ — unquote.”
L and I were both floored. Then we compared texts, and he showed me how the guy had asked him if he was free during the week, and when L said Wednesday, the guy said no problem. And a few minutes later, I got my cancel text. Then we started comparing notes on all sorts of things, and found that the guy has given us conflicting stories about a lot of things, his family, where they lived, etc. I believe he even gave L some bullshit story about only being able to date “one guy at a time”, that sort of thing.
L said he was going to cancel the date and I suggested he send the guy the exact same text he had sent me about needing to “address something that came up”. Or that we just show up at his work one day pretending to know nothing and letting him squirm a bit. The whole situation was just too sitcom perfect. In fact, you couldn’t even write it, it would seem too contrived and unreal. Imagine the coincidence! Here in a city of millions, that we should not only be dating the same guy at the same time, but also make the connection from a random discussion, AND find out he was lying to both of us, AND on the night before his date. Pretty awesome I say. I told L I was thrilled at the blogging potential.
Well, as they say, isn’t karma a bitch? L cancelled his date, telling the guy exactly why. L got a weak “sorry” text response, and I got roughly the same text from him about an hour later. I resisted the urge to spellcheck and correct the grammar on it and send it back.
Tonight I was invited to a lively dinner party for single gays put together by an acquaintance of mine named Rob. He culled a Facebook list of 20-some (not to be confused with 20-something) single guys and we all met at a Thai restaurant in my neighborhood. Rob guessed from the various friend connections on Facebook that no one would know more than 5 people, but some people clearly knew more. It is always amusing to hear a group of gay men recount how they know each other. There is usually a fair bit of throat clearing and waiting for someone else to set the tone and break the ice. Everyone always wants to know who dated whom, who slept with whom, who knew whose roommate, etc. Personally, I always rely on my trusty fallback response that stops further questioning: I simply say “we met in prison”, and they can imagine the rest according to their preferences, be they sweet or (un)savory. In any event, there were indeed a lot of handsome and interesting (and supposedly single) guys in attendance, and with but a drink (or two) in hand, everyone was quite friendly. Part of the idea of these, according to Rob, is that since we all know a lot of really nice guys that may not be right for us, perhaps they are right for someone else. Usually he invites ten guys, each of whom must bring one other that the group (hopefully) doesn’t know. I really like the idea of mixing things up in this manner, as I think getting to know people over a meal is one of the best ways to do so. I am looking forward to attending more of these get togethers in the future.
Today I’d like to talk about a problem that is widespread everywhere, particularly bad in the gay community, and epidemic in scale on gay dating web sites: Lying about one’s age.
Over the past few years I have been struck by how many people lie about their age online. While it is true they lie about other attributes and (ahem) measurements, age seems to be the most rampant. The obvious reason is that our society is youth obsessed. Which is another way of saying we are afraid of dying. We are afraid of even the taint of mortality. This pervades the culture and causes people to lose all sense of proportion when sizing up potential dates and even friends. I would estimate that about 60 percent of the gay men I have met lie about their age. (Anyone out there care to estimate how many women do the same? And increasingly, straight men?). The incidence of lying about one’s age goes up the older one is. Some will shave just a year or two off, to fit into some magic box like “under 40″ some will routinely take 5 or 10 years off reported age, telling themselves that “Hey, I can easily pass for it, all my friends say it, so why not?” Maybe people are insecure enough to think that if it weren’t for just this one thing, this one undesirable trait (age), they would generate a lot more interest. Maybe they are even right about that. But starting out from a place of lying is not the best way to begin any kind of relationship, at least if you believe that good relationships are built atop a foundation of honesty and trust (which I do). Maybe if all one is looking for is a one night stand, who cares? Roll the dice and see who believes.
I have always though that hey, if you are going to lie about your age, at least lie UP, not DOWN. I am 42. If I were to tell people I am 50, they would shower me with compliments, asking my secret to looking so young. I would smile humbly and tell them a simple life rich in healthy foods, exercise and meditation keeps me vital. If on the other hand I were to tell people I am 30, they would say “Really? wow…” and be thinking “…this guy has had a ROUGH life….how much partying has he done? he looks like shit.” So I don’t lie about my age. If someone is more interested in a statistic than what is in front of them, so be it.
I do wonder what would happen if everyone in our society stopped lying about age. If everyone celebrated exactly where they were in life as being a unique opportunity to experience something new. Something now. Ultimately that is all we have, and I believe we are happier people when we live in the now. If we as a culture stopped obsessing about our youth, stopped obsessing about our aging and mortality, it would effect enormous positive change. That probably won’t happen in my lifetime. But each of is, through our own actions, has a chance to subtly change the terms of the debate. Each of us, by choosing to represent ourselves honestly can move things a tiny bit. And bit by bit, the world will be a different place. A place that is accepting because we accept not only ourselves, but others as well.
