How to hold a conversation

20
Jun
2008

I met a guy online a couple of days ago and we decided to meet for coffee a few hours ago. He immediately began by telling me about an ex girlfriend that broke his heart. Then he told me about an ex boyfriend that did the same. What followed after that (in mind numbing detail) was a catalogue description of every person he has ever met in his life. This lasted roughly two hours, punctuated only by the occasional text message and phone call from his friends. Other parts of his monologue included observations about “gay guys”, moving apartments and how expensive they are, and surviving in Italy for 3 months on a few hundred dollars.

For the rest of you maleducados out there, please make note of the following tips the next time you are on a first coffee date:

– Try to ask as many questions as you answer.

– Don’t talk on your cellphone or message excessively.

– Don’t talk about your ex. Any of them.

– Don’t stereotype gay people, even if you are one. In fact, don’t sterotype anyone.

– Listen to what the other person is saying.

Follow these instructions, and you just might make it to date number two.

Enchilada de matzah

17
Jun
2008

While in Mexico City, I joined an online dating site that is popular there, duly creating my profile and adding pictures and information. Since I was in Mexico, I obviously wrote the entire thing in Spanish. Upon returning to the US (since this site is also popular here), I changed the location information to place my profile in Los Angeles. I didn’t bother to change the profile text because I was pretty sure that people are all shallow and only look at the pictures anyway (at least at first). Of course I was wrong, people are very interested in the text of the ads. And many of them seem to think (despite the pictures) that I am in fact Latino. I get other Latinos writing to me in Spanish or white guys telling me how much they are “into” Latinos like me.

Little do they know that my enchilada is made of matzah.

And the guys that contact me are different than the ones that used to contact me here when my profile was in English. Interesting, I think I will leave it in Spanish for a while longer.

Online Dating tips (gay, straight, prude or slut)

20
Nov
2007

I was going to call this post “Gay internet dating etiquette” or “hook-up site etiquette”,  but I realized these rules were probably more universal than that. These rules should work the same whether you are straight or gay, enjoy long walks on the sand or just want a quick roll in the hay. (Hey, that rhymed!)

In no particular order:

1. If someone compliments you, always respond with a thank you. It doesn’t matter if you are interested in them or not, this is common courtesy.

2. You do not have to respond to someone with no pictures in their profile (except in the case above, and then only to say thanks).

3. When someone insults you, they should simply be ignored and/or blocked. There is no reason to engage them.

4. Never go directly to someone’s home or allow them to come to yours. First meetings should be out in public (at a coffee shop or the like if possible).

5. If you should come across a profile of someone who is using your pictures instead of their own, compliment them on their good looks. Then report them to the site owner.

6. Never trash talk any member of a site to any other member (with the possible exception of the above member who stole your pics).

7. If someone does not respond to a message you have sent to them, drop it. Do not send endless followup messages asking why they aren’t interested. This reeks of desperation and the other party should be expected to apply rule number 3. You should apply the same rule in the reverse situation.

8. If, upon meeting someone, you discover that:

a. Their pics are at least 10 years old, OR
b. Their pics are not at all identifiable as them, OR
c. They have lied or misled you about important details (up to you to decide which these are, but being married might be one)

you should feel free to end it right there with a polite “This won’t work for me, but thanks for playing. Good bye.”