A couple of weeks ago, something quite amazing happened, and totally unexpected. I, (paragon of reason and someone who rarely finds interest enough to go beyond a first date with anyone) fell for someone. Coming just a day after my bad doggie date made it all the sweeter, I thought. It all started a few weeks earlier when I had noticed a really cute guy on the rooftop of the Eagle where I was sharing Sunday afternoon drinks with a couple of friends of mine. We exchanged a few flirty looks back and forth, but then I left with my friends to go to dinner and when we returned he was gone. No big deal, this sort of thing happens from time to time, if anything was meant to be I was sure we would cross paths again at some point. Then, a couple of weeks later I received a message on one of the dating sites I was on from this guy, telling me that he had been looking everywhere for me, and was so glad to find me. He then told me that “this was crazy” but did I remember seeing him at the Eagle by any chance and could he possibly invite me to a meal? I agreed, and we met the following Sunday for brunch. The date went so well in fact, that we did not say goodbye until some 24 hours later. We walked, talked, fooled around, watched tv, explored and explained our respective past lives, cuddled, slept, etc. It was truly an amazing date. We had the kind of insane chemistry I hadn’t felt in many years, and had almost forgotten was possible. The first week was an intense, romantic, crazy week of 4 dates, flirty and sweet text messages flying back and forth, etc. We shared a few personality traits in common (cleanliness, being on time), but probably a lot more that were different (he has an inexplicable love of sports, for example). And although it didn’t bother me much, we had a somewhat large age gap between us. At 30, he was truly at the very low end of my dating range, but it didn’t seem to matter since he seemed quite mature. He was part owner of a business and working a crazy number of hours, and had a strong ambition to get ahead (whatever that means to someone). Working until 11pm most nights was definitely going to be a challenge, but I was so smitten that I was willing to adjust and become more of a late nighter and less of an early riser. I really couldn’t believe my luck, after so many first dates, to finally meet someone I wanted to see again and again.
Then, without warning, he had a change of heart. I am not exactly sure why, but it really does not matter. People are fickle, and they can change their feelings suddenly. Was it something he read on my blog? Was it that, now that I was clearly as into him as he was to me, he no longer wanted me? I’m not sure I will ever know. About a week into our romance, after another almost 24 hour date, I said goodbye to him last Sunday as he went off to work. He told me he would call me later, and when he didn’t I sent him a text asking how his day was, and he responded nicely, but with a little distance I could sense. I thought no big deal, he had had a long day, so I wished him good night thinking we would chat the next day. Two days passed with no messages between us, and I knew something was up. The previous week had been a nonstop flow of sweet text nothings, and that had completely dried up. After two days, I sent him a brief text asking if everything was ok, and he said yes and could he see me Thursday night? We made a plan, and another two days passed with no communication between us. I was pretty sure he was going to cancel on me, because his attitude had changed so completely from the week before. When he actually texted near 11pm to tell me he was done with work and coming to meet me, I was surprised and we met for a drink at a local bar. I was pretty confused about the preceding few days, so I asked him what was up. He seemed truly shocked, he had no idea anything at all was amiss, he told me he was just “crazy busy” at work. While I was sure he was in fact busy at work, I also know that when we are motivated, it takes about two seconds to send a smiley face or “thinking about you” text. This had been the way it was the week before after all, when he was also “crazy busy”.
Nevertheless, I accepted his response at face value (maybe it is even what he told himself and half-believed) and we went back to his place for another lovely evening in each other’s arms. It was sweet and somewhat reassuring, because we got along so well and pretty much slept together holding hands and kissing. We said our goodbyes over breakfast the next morning, and I decided to take a wait and see approach, perhaps what I had told him would motivate him to reach out more, but I should have known better. Once a spell is broken, it is often broken for good. That is just the way things are. Not hearing from him the entire day, late in the evening I sent a quick smiley and kissface text to his phone. I never even got a response, and I knew. It was time to send him off to The Island of Misfit Toys.
When I look back, and being honest with myself, what we had was an incredible chemistry. This is something that people often discount in the abstract, but I honestly believe it is more powerful than all the personality trait matches, political differences (within reason), and what have you. There is a kind of invisible, undetectable smell (perhaps pheromones) that can draw people together so powerfully, that it flies in the face of any other incompatibility. It is part sexual, but really much more than that. It gives one a contented feeling when being near, when holding hands, when brushing a cheek or a nose or a leg. It is pacifying and sweet, and makes ones eyes fill with tenderness despite oneself. I am happy to know that this feeling is still possible, and may one day be again.